Sex

Contents

Sex
  • Affair
  • American and a Frenchman
  • BARBECUE
  • Buckwheat & Darla
  • Camping Trip
  • Church Admission
  • Convict
  • Cowboy
  • Cowboy Love
  • Cybersex
  • Deaf Couple
  • Ducks
  • Education
  • Ed Zachary
  • Elderly Couple
  • Father Johns Bath
  • First Night
  • Foreign Legion
  • French Love
  • Golf Lessions
  • Good Wife
  • Growing Apart
  • Guy and Girl
  • Guys Discusssing Women
  • Hillbillies
  • Horse Race
  • House
  • Laundry
  • Little Boy
  • Making Cake
  • Mailman
  • Microsoft
  • Nudist Colony
  • Nun
  • Old Couple
  • Osteoporosis
  • Pickle Slicer
  • Sandals
  • Sex Lession
  • Statue
  • Poor Couple
  • Stranded
  • Superman
  • Surgery
  • Three Gay Men
  • Three Kinds Of Sex
  • Three little old ladies
  • Three Women
  • Tiger Woods
  • Therapy
  • Truck Driver
  • Wood Chopper
  • Young Couple
  • Young Wife Old Man
  • Sex

    Affair

    This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her a drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

    He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

    So he quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

    The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

    The man whispers back "no, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

    The little boy answers "gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

    "I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

    "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

    The guy says "look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

    "Ok."

    So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street.

    SO...

    Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

    "Sorry hon, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

    And the kid says "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars"

    She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

    "I'll never tell."

    "You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

    SO...

    The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

    And the priest answers "now let's not start THAT shit again..."

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    American and a Frenchman

    A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation. He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"

    "Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.

    "Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

    "And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?"

    "Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.

    "You don`t say!" says the America, grinning. "We don`t! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."

    Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans do with their used condoms?"

    "Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.

    "Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"

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    BARBECUE

    ONE DAY A WOMAN IS BENDING OVER WHILE WORKING IN HER GARDEN, WHEN HER HUSBAND CALLS TO HER FROM THEIR HOUSE AND SAYS “IF YOUR BUTT GETS ANY BIGGER IT’S GOING TO LOOK LIKE A BARBECUE.”

    OF COURSE, THE WOMAN TAKES EXCEPTION TO THIS. SO LATER ON IN THE EVENING WHILE THE TWO OF THEM ARE LYING IN BED TOGETHER, THE HUSBAND SNUGGLES UP TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS “HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SEX, HONEY.”

    SHE REPLIES, “WELL I DON’T KNOW IF I SHOULD FIRE UP THE GRILL FOR ONE LITTLE WEENIE.”

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    Buckwheat & Darla

    Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla "How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says "d-u-m-b, dumb" The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence." She says "Buckwheat is dumb" Now spell "stupid". Darla says "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."

    Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says "Buckwheat, spell dictates." Buckwheat stands and says "d-i-c-t-a-t-e-s, dictates". The teacher says, "very good, now use it in a sentence." "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictates good!"

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    Camping Trip

    Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know,we're starting to get on each other's nerves." "Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hike south. The first man hikes north.

    That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream." "The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

    The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

    "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

    "Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

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    Church Admission

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

    "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

    "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

    "We Know." said the young man, "We`re not welcome at the Winn-Dixie anymore either."

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    Convict

    An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

    As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years—let alone one as beautiful as you. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend that you like it... Remember both of our lives depends on it.”

    ”Darling,” whispered the wife, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking butt.”

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    Cowboy

    A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die.

    But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days.

    On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”

    The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”

    The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man - can only think of one thing.”

    The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?”

    The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

    The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.

    Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

    The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”

    The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?”

    The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

    The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

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    Cowboy Love

    One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.

    While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, “What are they doing honey?” The husband answers, “They’re roping!”She replies, “Oh, I see!”

    After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, “What are they doing honey?” The husband answers, “They’re roping!”She replies, “Oh, I see!” Finally they arrive at their hotel.

    The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis. “What is that?” she asks. ”That’s my rope,” he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?” she asks. ”They’re my knots,” he answers.Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, “Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, “What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?” ”No,” the bride replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!”

    Yeeeeeehaaaaawwww!!!

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    Cybersex

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as “cybersex”. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you’ll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

    Wellhung:
    Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
    Sweetheart:
    I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
    Wellhung:
    I’m 6’3” and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
    Sweetheart:
    I want you. Would you like to screw me?
    Wellhung:
    OK
    Sweetheart:
    We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
    Wellhung:
    I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
    Wellhung:
    Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m moaning softly.
    Wellhung:
    I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
    Wellhung:
    My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
    Sweetheart:
    That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.
    Wellhung:
    I’ll pay for it.
    Sweetheart:
    Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
    Wellhung:
    I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
    Sweetheart:
    I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
    Wellhung:
    How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
    Wellhung:
    I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
    Sweetheart:
    I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
    Wellhung:
    I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
    Sweetheart:
    What?
    Wellhung:
    I’m so sorry. Really.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
    Wellhung:
    I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
    Sweetheart:
    OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
    Wellhung:
    I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
    Sweetheart:
    I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
    Wellhung:
    I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
    Sweetheart:
    What’s the matter?
    Wellhung:
    I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
    Sweetheart:
    Are you OK?
    Wellhung:
    I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
    Sweetheart:
    Can I help?
    Wellhung:
    I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
    Sweetheart:
    In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
    Wellhung:
    I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
    Sweetheart:
    Come back to me, lover.
    Wellhung:
    I’m washing the cup now.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m on the bed arching for you.
    Wellhung:
    I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost.Where’s the bedroom?
    Sweetheart:
    Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
    Wellhung:
    I found it.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
    Wellhung:
    Me too.
    Sweetheart:
    Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
    Wellhung:
    Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
    Sweetheart:
    Why don’t you take off your glasses?
    Wellhung:
    OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
    Wellhung:
    I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
    Sweetheart:
    Hurry back, lover.
    Wellhung:
    I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
    Wellhung:
    I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
    Sweetheart:
    What’s the matter now?
    Wellhung:
    I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
    Sweetheart:
    Mmm, yes. Come on.
    Wellhung:
    OK, now I’m going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman’s thing.
    Sweetheart:
    Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
    Wellhung:
    I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
    Wellhung:
    I’m flaccid.
    Sweetheart:
    What?
    Wellhung:
    I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
    Wellhung:
    I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
    Sweetheart:
    No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
    Wellhung:
    No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
    Sweetheart:
    I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.
    Wellhung:
    I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
    Sweetheart:
    Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!
    Wellhung:
    Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
    Sweetheart:
    logged off

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    Deaf Couple

    Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

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    Ducks

    There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.

    The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer

    The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer

    The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me.

    She considered it and said "Ok".

    They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.

    The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car.

    The driver jumped out of the car and said "I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

    When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.

    He said "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck."

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    Education

    You Have Flunked Sex Education If You Said...

    1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
    2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
    3. Spread eagle is an extinct bird.
    4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.
    5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
    6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
    7. Semen is a term for sailors.
    8. Anus is a Latin term for sailors.
    9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
    10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
    11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
    12. Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.
    13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
    14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
    15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
    16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
    17. An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.
    18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
    19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
    20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
    21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East
    22. Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.
    23. Pornography is the business of making records.
    24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
    25. Douche is the French word for “two.”

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    Ed Zachary

    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease... worse case I ever see...that why you not haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

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    Elderly Couple

    An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

    "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

    "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

    After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

    The elderly woman replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

    "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is usually in December!"

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    Father Johns Bath

    It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

    Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

    The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

    "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

    "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

    "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

    "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

    Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

    "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

    "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

    "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

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    First Night

    A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. “Pop, what do I do first?” “Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. “Get naked and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. “What do I do?” he asks. His father replies, “Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!” is the dad’s advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. “What do I do now?” she asks. “Well, what is he doing?” mama asks. “He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet.

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    Foreign Legion

    A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

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    French Love

    The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the French male’s fabled expertise in the art of love-making. On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her. “First,” he replied, “I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed. And zen,” he added triumphantly, “I will kiss ze navel.” “Big deal!!!” she said. “I’ve had my navel kissed before hundreds of times.” “Ahhhhh, but of course” shrugged the Frenchman. “But...from ze inside?”

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    Golf Lessions

    A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. "The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

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    Good Wife

    After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

    "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

    "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."

    "He's an asshole - piss on him."

    "You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

    "Well fuck him," said John.

    "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

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    Growing Apart

    Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

    As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

    Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

    So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a >note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed at the cruelty with which she had treated him.

    He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, but please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

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    Guy and Girl

    A young girl and guy decide they are going to do it for the very first time. They want it to be very special since neither had ever had sex before. The guy decided he had better go to the pharmacy and get some condoms. When he got to the pharmacy he decided to ask the pharmacist for help since this was going to be his first time. The pharmacist took the guy to the condoms and explained the different kind to him and so forth. The pharmacist then asks the boy if he wanted a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack. The guy decided that he needed the family pack since it was going to be his first time, and he and his girlfriend was going to really enjoy themselves. The guy buys his condoms, goes home and change and then heads for his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet her parents. They all sit down to dinner and the guy immediately insists on saying the grace. Five minutes went by and he was still saying his prayers, 10 minutes went by and he was still in deep prayer, after 20 minutes of the guy being in deep prayer, the girlfriend leans over and tells her boyfriend that she had no idea he was so religious. The boyfriend leans back over and says, I had no idea that your father was a pharmacist.

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    Guys Discusssing Women

    Three guys are discussing women. “I like to watch a woman’s breasts best,” the first guy says. The second says “I like to look at a woman’s butt.” He asks the third guy “What about you?”. “Me? The only thing i would really enjoy seeing is the top of her head.

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    Hillbillies

    Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high school equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other`s company, and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.

    After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride to an actual,money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I`m a virgin."

    The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents` house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there. He drove to his Dad`s house and told him the whole story through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing, son---don`t feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn`t good enough for HER family, she sure isn`t good enough for OURS!!!"

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    Horse Race

    The Horses in the race are:
    1. Passionate Lady
    2. Bare Belly
    3. Silk Panties
    4. Conscience
    5. Merry Cherry
    6. Jockey Shorts
    7. Clean Sheets
    8. Thighs
    9. Big Johnson
    10. Heavy Bosom
    They're at the post:

    And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured from behind.

    Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At the finish, It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.

    It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had a chance . . .

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    House

    A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading: ‘Over 35’ and ‘Under 35’.

    He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said ‘Over 35’. He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read:\’Over 8 inches’ and ‘Under 8 inches’. Truthful again, he went through the ‘Under 8 inches’ door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading: ‘Once a night’ and ‘Over 4 times a night’.

    Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked ‘Once a night’ and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is: ‘Always tell the truth and you’ll never get screwed.’

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    Laundry

    Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

    So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

    "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

    "What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

    "Honey," says Sophie, "Who on Earth wants to do laundry on a day like that?"

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    Little Boy

    This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

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    Making Cake

    There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

    The little girl says “Mummy what are they doing?”. The mother hesitates then quickly replies “Umm they are making cakes”.

    The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

    The next day the girl says to her mother “Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?”.

    Shocked, the Mother says “how do you know?”

    She says, “Because I licked the icing off the sofa”.

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    Mailman

    Mailman's Last Day...

    It was George's last day on the job as a postman after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route George was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope with a hundred dollar bill..

    At the second house the owners presented him with a box of fine Cuban cigars.

    The folks at the third house, knowing he was an avid fisherman, handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, beckoning him in, closing the door behind them, leading him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had enough, they went downstairs, where she then fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' -- The breakfast was my idea."

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    Microsoft

    Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

    "The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

    "The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

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    Nudist Colony

    A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

    Blonde: “Sir, did you call for me?”
    New Man: “No, I just got here.”
    Blonde: “You must be new here, it’s a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me.”

    The blonde lays down and lets the man have his way with her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.

    Huge Man: “Sir, did you call for me?”
    New Man: “No, I just got here.”
    Huge Man: “You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me.”

    The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist...

    New Man: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.”
    Receptionist: “But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities....”
    New Man: (Rudely interrupting) “Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

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    Nun

    A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said, "Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."

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    Old Couple

    An old couple sit rocking on the porch. Maw turns her head and says, “Fuck you, Paw.” Startled, Paw replies, “Well, fuck you too, Maw.” They sit thinking the conversation over, and finally Maw says, “Hell, Paw, this oral sex ain’t near what it’s cracked up to be.”

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    Osteoporosis

    Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones. But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!” The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a bone about 6 to 7 inches long.” (**And... if you’re really lucky, you’ll get 8 to 10...**)

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    Pickle Slicer

    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he`d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

    "What`s wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

    "Oh, Bill, you didn`t." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

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    Sandals

    A middle-aged couple was touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

    From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

    So the couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them,"I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the macho-man that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

    Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years --- raw sexual power.

    In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. Above the ruckus you could hear the Pakistani man screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

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    Sex Lession

    There’s this little Ozark family, Maw, Paw, Junior, and Sally. One day Junior asks, “Paw, whut’s sex?” Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, “Well, Junior, I reckon yore ‘bout ol’nuff to find out. Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread’n’em legs.” After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, “You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol’ Paw.” Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way. About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, “Jun...Junior, wh-whut’s that?” Junior, being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, “That’s whatcha call ‘sex’. You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol’ Junior...”

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    Statue

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

    "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

    "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

    "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

    No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

    Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

    "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

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    Poor Couple

    Fwd: Financial difficulty Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says “Shit. All I’ve got is thirty. She says, “Hold on.” She runs back to Harry and says, “What can he get for thirty dollars?” Harry says, “A hand job”. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, “Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

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    Stranded

    A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

    "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

    "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

    "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life?"

    "Is that true, father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here!!!!

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    Superman

    Superman was horny one day and he looked out and saw Wonder Woman out sunbathing in the nude at the beach. He started thinking....people always say I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always been curious about what it would be like with Wonder Woman. So he took off and did her in a flash without anybody noticing. Afterwards, she sat up and said "what was that?!" Then the Invisible Man climbed off of her and said "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

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    Surgery

    When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarassed.

    So the doctor asked. “What’s wrong?”

    ”Well this is a bit embarassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life ?”

    ”Uh” stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively.

    ”Uh, I hadn’t really thought about it.” replied the stunned surgeon.

    ”You’re the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy.”

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    Three Gay Men

    Three gay men died and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and they were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

    The first man said" My partner love to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

    The second man said "My partner was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

    The third gay man said "My partner was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time!"

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    Three Kinds Of Sex

    My aunt used to tell me there were three kinds of sex in a marriage. There was exciting sex, necessary sex, and hallway sex. “Exciting sex is when you’re first married and you can’t wait to get at each other. Necessary sex is after you’ve been married for seven or eight years and it’s more of a chore than anything else. . . . AND Hallway sex is after you’ve been married for thirty or forty years and you pass each other in the hallway and say “Fuck You!”

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    Three little old ladies

    Three little old ladies were sitting in their rocking chairs on the porch of their house. A man came by wearing a trench coat. He opened up the trench coat and flashed the three little old ladies. The first little old lady had a stroke. The second little old lady had a stroke. The third little old lady couldn't reach him.

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    Three Women

    Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

    One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

    The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

    The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

    She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

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    Tiger Woods

    A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that. " "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

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    Therapy

    Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That`s amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We`re thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We`d be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

    Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn`t be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat.

    Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it`s better than it`s ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I`m afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can`t you give us some help? Any help at all?"

    "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

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    Truck Driver

    A truck driver came upon a couple making passionate love in the middle of the road.

    He blew his horn, blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke! The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy,didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"

    The young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming! I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming! I also knew you were the only one here with brakes.

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    Wood Chopper

    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

    She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

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    Young Couple

    As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what`s up. "Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."

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    Young Wife Old Man

    A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?” The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”

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