Adventure

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Adventure

Aggie Pride

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Shaw School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens; they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the North Carolina Central School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and says "Well, I'm a fighting North Carolina A&T Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

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Airline Pilot

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

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Apples

He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

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Bank Robbers

The first safe’s combination was cracked and inside the robbers were surprised to find only vanilla pudding. “Well,” said one robber to the other “a least we have a bite to eat.”

The second safe also contained nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not a dollar or diamond or an ounce of gold to be found. All the safes contained little containers of pudding. Disappointed the mobsters made their exit, leaving with nothing but uncomfortably full stomachs.

The next morning the newspaper headlines read: City’s largest sperm bank robbed early this morning!

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Baseball in Heaven

And with that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam "is, there is baseball in heaven." "Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday!"

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Big John

Things went fine for a few months. Suddenly, a big, strong cowhand with a ghost-white look on his face burst through the swinging doors shouting, "Big John's a'comin'! Big John's a'comin'!" The patrons scrambled to get out the door, knocking the small bartender for a loop as they pushed by him. The barte

nder gathered his senses about him and had just found his glasses when the room went dark. He put them on to see a giant of a man eclipsing the saloon doors. Riding bareback on a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip, he came right through the saloon doors, splintering away the doors and doorframe! The man FLUNG the snake into the corner, KNOCKED over tables, and took his massive fist and SPLIT the bar in half as he demanded a drink. "Y-y-yes sir!" The bartender nervously handed a bottle out to the man. He BIT the top of the bottle right off with his teeth, downed the contents in one gulp, let out a belch that shattered the saloon's mirror, and then turned to leave. The bartender realized he wasn't going to hurt him, so he asked the man if he would like another drink?

"I ain't got no time," the man roared as he got on his buffalo, rattlesnake in hand. "Big Jooooohn's a'comin' to town!"

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Blind Man

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Body Parts

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said: "I think I should be in charge. "All the rest of the parts said: "YOU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't do anything! You're not as important as we surely are! You can't be in charge." So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly,the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge; just an Asshole.

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Bridge to Fiji

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Fiji, but I’m scared to fly, and I get very seasick. ”So could you build me a bridge to Fiji so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? ”Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish.”

The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. I wish that I could understand women ... I wish to know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, to know why they are crying, to know what they want when they say ‘nothing’....”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

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Bubba

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ”OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

”Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

”No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

”President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

”Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

”The Pope,” his boss replies.

”Sure!” says Bubba. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

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Bubba and the

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Bugs-B-Gone

The husband, however, became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Wow! Your problem is worse than I thought!."

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Bums

Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. "HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

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Cabbie

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way”? “What?! Get the hell out of my cab”. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied, “fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “ok”, and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

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Carpool

He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt, and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch.

He turns around, and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk, and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett says,

"Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

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Cannibals

The chief explains the trial to him: "You must shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten."

The first apple was OK, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).

Dick comes back with 10 berries, and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough, and begins. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.

Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asks, "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"

Dick replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples."

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Chili Taster

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas and, therefore, to be a judge at a chili cook-off (because no one else wanted to do it...also, the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came).

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer, therefore, known and adored by all!!"

SCORE CARDS FROM THE EVENT:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty; good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone nows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The barmaid pounded me on the back. Now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably, behind her back, they call her "Forklift".

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled...it's kinda cute!

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive!
Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wanted to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho-Hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it! I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I wasn't there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super-nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
Judge One: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Judge Two: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: Momma??!!

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Chinese Torture

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. The next morning, he woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's petty crap," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed a note on the window that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.

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Cindy Crawford

Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"

"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

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Coonasses

The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license ready.”

Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The tropper runs a check on the guy’s license and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”

The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that son-of-a-bitch would’ve tried that shit with me!’

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Contest

So the first redneck said, “Fill’er up.” Then he went to the attendant and said, “OK, I guess 7.” “Sorry” replied the attendant, “I was thinking of 8.”

The next week, the same two rednecks returned to the same gas station to get gas and to get another shot at the contest. This time, the second redneck said, “I guess 2.”

The attendant replied, “Sorry, I was thinking of 3, but come back soon and try again.”

As they walked to the car, one redneck said to the other, “You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.” “No way,” said the other, “My wife won twice last week.”

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Contractors

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

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Contry Music

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the students discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

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Cowboy

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I`ve never been on a ranch so I`m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To

which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I`m a lesbian."

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Craps

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m bottomless.” With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!”

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!” With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

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Cuckoo Clock

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Doctor

"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.

"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.

"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.

"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."

Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".

"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."

"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.

"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

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Custer's Last Stand

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Drunk

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"

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Dwarfs

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?”

“I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

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Ears

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn`t help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it`s pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

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Elevator

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator)responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

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English Language

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “ v”.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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Ethel

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Facelift

On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess you're 29 ?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question, She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought'what the hell' and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that ? "The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

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Farmer And The Cow

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... Some things you just can't explain.

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Farmer and Four Daughters

The young man says: “My name is Freddy. I’ve come to pick up Betty. We’re going out for spaghetti. I hope she’s ready.” The farmer thought that was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there.

He said: “My name is Vance. I’ve come for Nance. We’re going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?” Again the farmer thought it was cute and let them go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there.

He said: “My name is Moe. I’m here to get Flo. We’re going to a show. Is she ready to go?” Once again the farmer thought it was cute and he let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there.

He said: “My name is Chuck,” The farmer shot him.

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FBI

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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Fishing Trip

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
“Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.” She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” “Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

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Football Players

The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don`t know." The coach said that it didn`t prove anything. So, the teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don`t know either."

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Ghost

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raised their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raised their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in a flannel shirt and baseball cap way in the back raised his hand. The professor is astonished. He took off his glasses, took a step back, and said, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student complied with a nod and a grin. He began to make his way up to the podium. The professor said, "Well,tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

"Ghosts? Shee-yit! From back there it sounded like you said "goats'"

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Golf

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

" I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don`t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I`m up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don`t care - any night next week is OK with me."

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Golf and Cussing

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well,"' the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?", said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asked the Father again?"

"Well, no", said the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and began to fly away!"

" Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied.

"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" Sighed the priest.

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Golf Injury

“Please allow me to help, I’m a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d just allow me!”, she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright...I’ll be fine in a few minutes”, he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to “ease his pain”. She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, “Does that feel better?”

The man looked up at her and replied, “Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!

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Golf Laws

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

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Golf Man and Women

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and asked her, kind of embarrassed, "I'm sorry to bother you again, but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on?"

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14, you are on 13."

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished, he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if

he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

She said, "I'm in sales."

He replied, "No kidding, so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised.

She said, "I sell tampons."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh."

He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. You see, I sell toilet paper, I'm still one hole behind you!"

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Gossip

Lucille, the town gossip and self appointed supervisor of the town's morals,recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and while in deep thought he uttered not a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

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Government Worker

“This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

“I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!” He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish: ”I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.”

Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”

POOF!

He’s back in his government office.

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Graveyard

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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Guy, a Pig, and a Dog

Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said, "Um..would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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Harem

ONE DAY, THE KING RETURNS TO FIND THE 3 MEN IN THE CASTLE, AND ORDERS HIS SOLDIERS TO LINE THE MEN UP. HE TELLS THEM THAT EACH OF THEM WILL BE PUNISHED ACCORDING TO THEIR PROFESSIONS.

HE ASKS THE FIRST MAN "WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO?" "I'M A FIREMAN" THE MAN SAYS. THE KING THEN ORDERS THAT HIS PENIS IS BURNED OFF.

HE ASKS THE 2ND MAN "WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION?" "I'M A POLICEMAN" THE MAN SAYS. THE KING ORDERS HIS SOLDIERS TO SHOOT HIS PENIS OFF!"

NOW THE KING TURNS TO THE THIRD MAN AND ASKS "AND WHAT DO YOU DO?" THE MAN WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE REPLIES "I'M A LOLLIPOP SALESMAN!!"

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Heaven

The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them.

Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened o glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.

In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was he refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The angel spoke, "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. Again the angel said, "Tell me about the day you died."

"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked and hiding inside a refrigerator..."

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Hellicopter

The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me an answer that was technically correct, but completely useless."

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Hershel Ostropolier

Hershel pleads with the man "My wife will never believe that I've been robbed. She'll think I just spent the money in a tavern. She'll kill me if you don't!"

The robber replies "That's no difference to me. Give me your money or I'll certainly kill you".

Hershel hands the robber his wallet and says "Well, I guess I have no choice. But could you at least make it so my wife will believe me?" Hershel holds open his coat. "Shoot a hole in my coat." This seems reasonable to the robber, and he does so.

Hershel looks, shakes his head, and says "Oy, what was I thinking! That side is already so tattered, you can't even tell there's a bullethole. Here, please, shoot a hole in the other side where it isn't so shabby". The robber again obliges.

Hershel looks, takes off his had, and says "That's good, now let's really make the story stick - shoot a hole in my hat, too!"

The robber says "I've had enough of this foolishness. Besides, I've used all my bullets to make your story convincing already"

Hershel replies "You've used all your bullets?", takes his walking stick, pummels the robber senseless, retrieves his wallet, and goes on his way.

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Hillbillies

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Hospital

A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had witnessed the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost....!!?

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Hotel Room

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

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Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck

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Jesus is watching

He looks around to see where the voice is coming from, but sees no one, so he ignores it. He movs toward the TV and VCR again, and once again hears the voice say again, "Jesus is watching you." He still sees no one and ignores the voice. This happened a third time, but this time when he looked around he saw a bird cage.

He walked to the bird cage and saw a parrot in the cage. He asked the parrot if it could talk, and the bird responded, "Yes." He asked if the parrot had been telling him that Jesus was watching him, and the bird responded, "Yes."

He then asks the bird its name, and is told "Homer". The burglar says, "What kind of idiot would name a bird Homer?"

The bird says, "The same kind of idiot that would name a doberman Jesus."

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Knob

“What’s ‘the knob,’ doctor?”, she asks. He replies, “It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again.”

“Oh, YES, doctor! That is what I would like to have”, she says excitedly.

The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VIOLA! Her face is again beautiful.

One day about 8 years later she wakes up one morning and sees two very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she calls her doctor and reports the bags.

“Come down to my office right away and let me check it out!” the doctor says.

After examining her, he says, “You’ve been tightening the knob WAY too much!! Those bags under your eyes are your breasts”

The lady says, “Well! I guess that explains the goatee!

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Lady and Parrot

On the way home she sees the same parrot in the window, and again the parrot says to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, this ticks her off further yet.

The next day she sees the same parrot and it again says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." This time the lady is so ticked off that she goes into the store and threatens that she would sue the store and kill the bird if this continued.

The store manager says, "That's not good," and promised that the bird wouldn't say it anymore.

Later that day as the lady walks past the store after work the parrot says to her, "Hey lady!"

She pauses and replies,"Yes?"

The bird continues, "You know."

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Last Wishes

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.

He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?”

She eagerly nods her head. “Yes!”

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, “Here. Iron this.”

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Little Johnnie

Little Johnnie and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together,when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.

Little Johnnie asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said,"Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. Little Johnnie asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."

A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnnie asked his Grandpa, "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yea my dick can touch my ass!"

The boy replied, "Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these cookies for me."

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Loony

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Mafia

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

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Magic Weight Machine

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed, and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck.

She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled, You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've missed your bus...".

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Maid

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000? "

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot both of them. I will accept full responsibility."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.

"What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh... is this 555-4821?"

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The Man Who Loved Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the 'phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells (indicating the end of his lonliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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Massachusetts

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Massachusetts. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE

Oct. 14

New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.

Nov. 11

Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 2

It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snow-plow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 12

More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.

Dec. 19

Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Damn Snowplow!

Dec. 22

More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. That Asshole!

Dec. 25

"White Christmas" my busted ass. More friggin' snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this shitty ice.

Dec. 28

More of the same crap last night. Been inside since Christmas day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Jan. 1

Happy Friggin' New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 34 sucking inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that shit-for-brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over the assholes' head.

Jan. 4

Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000.00 damage to the car. Wish the hunters would have killed them all last November.

May 3

Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the friggin' salt they keep dumping all over the roads. It really looks like a piece of rusting shit.

May 10

Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right friggin' mind would want to live in the God-forsaken State of Massachusetts. I LOVE IT HERE.
Damn! Something just bit me!...

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Mermaid

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly - and analyzes it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, ‘Triple my I.Q.’ The mermaid says: ‘Done!’

The guy starts to spout the solutions to mathematical problems that have stymied chemists, physicists and mathematicians since the beginning of time. The last guy is so impressed that he says to the mermaid, ‘Quintuple my I.Q.’

The mermaid looks at him and says, ‘I don’t normally try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I’d really wish you’d reconsider.’ The guy says, ‘No way, I want you to quintuple my I.Q., and if you don’t, I won’t set you free.’ ‘Please,’ says the mermaid, ‘You don’t know what you’re asking... it will change your entire view of the universe... won’t you ask for something else... 10 million dollars, anything?’ No matter how hard the mermaid pleads, he remains steadfast. He instists on having his I.Q. increased five fold. The mermaid sighs and says, ‘Done!’ And he becomes a woman.

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Meeting a Nymphomaniac

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “So where are you flying to today?”

She turns and smiles, and says, “To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago.”

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “And what’s your role at this convention?”

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, “Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really” he says, swallowing hard. “And what myths are those?”

She explains: “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.”

“How very interesting,” the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don’t even know your name.”

The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.”

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Missionary

Realizing the danger he was in, he knew that he had to explain how nature sometimes created these oddities. He took the Chief alone into the jungle in an attempt to explain his innocence. While walking through the jungle, God gave him the perfect example he needed to clear-up this mess. They had stumbled across a flock of white sheep. All were white as could be except for one small sheep which was jet black. The missionary pointed this out to the chief and said "look at that little black sheep, you see what I am trying to get you to understand now?"

The Chief hung his head and said: "Ok. I understand. So... you no tell on me and I no tell on you!"

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Montana Kick Law

"Getting a duck that I just shot", he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so it is now mine, " replied the farmer."

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer and "I don't care".

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is free today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck and everything else you own. I'll leave you pennyless on the street."

"Well " said the farmer, In Montana the "law we go by is the #3 kick law"

"Never heard of it " said Johnny.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, the duck is yours".

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. Fair enough, he said

So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin, as he was doubled over the farmer kicked him in the face and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly got back to his feet.

"All right, now it is my turn", said Johnny.

"Aw , forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck"

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Morning After

Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.

She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

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Near Death Experience

During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures she's got another 30 or 40 years, so she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by a speeding ambulance. She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies: "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

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OB/GYN

He decided to become an auto mechanic. So he went to trade school where he enrolled in a course to become a certified auto mechanic.

Their final exam was coming up. He was nervous. Had he learned everything he needed to know?

After the test he got his test score--it was 200%

He went to his instructor and asked him about this---"I thought that the highest I could get was 100%" he asked the teacher.

The teacher replied,"Yes, I gave you 100% for taking the engine completely apart and putting it back together correctly---and I gave you another a 100% for doing it all through the tailpipe!"

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Patch

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Pecan Tree

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you.

That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

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Pirates

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

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Pirates at Sea

Later on, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid.” All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Hornblower calmly shouted: “Get me my brown pants!”

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Posh Theater

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”

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Punk Rocker

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Potential and Reality

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."

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Programmer Evaluation

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for a true assessment of him.

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Prostitutes

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read... “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00

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Really Drunk

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

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Redneck Love Poem

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.

You have some’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo’re there fer yore man,
to patch up life’s troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion,
it’s perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin’.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......
IT’S A NEW TROLL’N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo
P.S. I think yore slicker’n snot on a door nob.

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Redneck Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
   A) '66 Ford Fairlane
   B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
   C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

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Research Paper

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up.

"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

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Restaurant

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Royal Wedding

Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small. By the time the festivities were over, Sophie’s feet were in agony.

When she and bridegroom Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom, and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises, and an occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they heard Edward say, “Goodness, that was tight.”

”There,” whispered the Queen. “I told you she was a virgin!”

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say,”Right. Now for the other one.”

This was followed by more grunting and straining, and, at last, Edward said, ‘My Goodness. That was even tighter.”

”That’s my boy,” said the Duke. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

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Say it with Flowers

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'"

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Scotsman

The Scot hoarsely croaks, “Och, lassie, I havna’ ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!” She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, “Would you like something to drink?”

“Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!” She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he’s in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, “Would you like to play around?”

“Och, lassie, don’t tell me ye’ve got a golf course here too!”

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Ship Wrecked

The First man came before St.Peter..St Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the the second man. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The third man turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny."

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Signalman

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

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Sixth Grade Question

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson. "Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

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Ski Trip

“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Not to worry,” Peter said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”

“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

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Sperm Count

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Success

No contest thought the man, so he climber the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,"she said. "Well, thought the man, "Might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hi," said the ugly fat man. "I'm Cess!"

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Sunbathing

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Talking Clock

“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.

“That is the talking clock,” the student replied.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked.

“Watch,” the kid says, then proceedes to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screames from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU ASSHOLE! It’s two AM!”

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Tarzan

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. First she disrobed provocatively, then she reclined on the wild grass, spreading her legs in an obvious invitation.

Tarzan walked up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In excruciating pain she screamed, “What the hell did you do that for?” Tarzan replied, “Always check for squirrels.”

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Train

While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

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Three Daughters

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: “MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE”.

Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: Satisfaction to the last drop...” So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message thatreads: “ROTHMAN’S MATTRESSES”.

So, the Mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says: “FULL SIZE, KING SIZE”. And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: “BRITISH AIRWAYS”.

And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: “THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.”

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Trust

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

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Twisted Disney

Captain Hook
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?

Snow White and Pinocchio
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, and said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy,"

Pinocchio
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and> asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?

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Two Old Ladies

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was more concerned that she really was "losing it". She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

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Two Rednecks

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Ugly Man

A very good-looking guy walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat up every single woman who walks into the bar, without any luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women in the place.

Disheartened by all this, the good-looking guy asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women. What's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want, but I haven't been able to connect all night. What's going on?"

"Well," said the bartender, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows."

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Ventriloquist

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Watch

“No”, he replies, “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it.”

“What does it do?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”

“Ha! Well it must be knackered then ‘cos I am!”

“Damn thing, must be an hour fast.”

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Weight Loss Program

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself “I like the way this company does business.” The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/20 lb. program. As expected, the next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me”. He’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he’s ever had. For the next 4 days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the 5th day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised!!!!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 lb. program!! “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone, “This is our most rigorous program...” “Absolutely,” he replies. “I haven’t feltthis good in years”.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you.”

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White Guy

The small white guy faints !!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"

The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said"Turn around".

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Zen Master and Hot Dog Vendor

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. And the hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

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Zipper

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

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